Bad boys for the win.....er....or not so much

A few things happened in the course of the day which made me want to delve into a blog about said topic. 

I didn't work...but I stopped by the office for a while anyway. While I was there someone mentioned about the Fed Ex guy being attractive. In which our secretary quickly said he is not the type of person wanted. That "he may be ok to test drive, but you don't want to buy him."  Whoa ok, point made loud and clear. 

As the day went on, I read a post on facebook by a friend talking about how girls, by and large, don't want the good guys. Don't want the hopeless romantics, who love with everything they have, who are caring and compassionate. That though they may speak these notions, evidence (at least for him) shows that this is not the case, that they will choose the bad boys, the jerks, the ones who legitamately don't care....every time. 

So I have thought over the past few hours, and several times throughout my life about whether this indeed is the case. 

Do women predominately choose the option that they know is not a long term option? The one who is going to ultimately treat them like crap? The one that can schmooze and say all of the right things but that's as far as it goes? 

Unfortunately, I think I have to say yes on this one. Ugh, that takes some coaxing of my fingers to actually type that out for whoever to see. 

But let me explain my rationale here. It will ultimately make sense. 

Chicks clearly for the most part have a side of them who want the typical "bad boy". It's not that we want someone with felony convictions, or the wife beater type, or you name it. It is that so often, with time, the opposite of a "bad boy", seems to be a pansy. The happy medium has ceased to exist. 

That medium is what we want...and all too often can't find. 

The attraction to the "type" is simple. Someone who is a "man"...who speaks his mind, who can command the presence of a room, who can put us in our proverbial place if needed, who can have calloused hands because they aren't afraid to work. It just seems with these, there is also the tendencies to treat us like crap. 

So the alternative is, those who are emotionally more sensitive than us, who manicures their hands more than we do, who would be completely content staying home and allowing us to be the breadwinner. 

Women are complicated you say?...no joke...I'll be the first to admit that. What we say and what we mean when we say what we want in a guy are often contradictory.

So I'll make it simple. 

What we want is someone who "could" put us in our place, but respects us enough not to. Someone who in public hides their emotions, but trusts us enough to let us in on a part of them that they don't show everyone. We want that person who does not have backwoods gender role expectations of women to be in the kitchen and not be in the workforce, someone who encourages our goals, our independence,  and motivates us to be more than we are, but still makes us feel safe and secure being with them alone. We want someone who makes us continue to pursue them, but who knows we already have them...and vise-verse.  We want someone who respects us and that we know would defend us, but allows us to handle most of our own battles. We want someone to be kind, considerate, respectful, and who wants to spend time with us, but not hover. 

So it's not that we don't want the good guys. WE PREFER THE GOOD GUYS..WE WANT THE GOOD GUYS.....

We just want a good guy....with a bit of edge. 

 

Social Work Doesn't Have a Timeclock

Truth be known, I never wanted to be in the social work field...(shh, don't tell my boss). 

When I started my college journey, I started out wanting to be a journalist. I had a brief job opportunity at my local newspaper, researching, writing, editing, investigating, and interviewing. It was amazing. I loved it. After a couple classes, I quickly realized that there was not a high demand for the type of writings that I would like to be involved in.

I changed my major to education. That was my mothers wishes for my career. I worked as a substitute teacher the first two years of college on Tuesdays and Thursdays to help supplement college costs. I enjoyed teaching high school students. They knew the fundamentals (for the most part), they had their individual personalities, sarcasm was keen, and I liked encouraging the oddities that made them unique. 

I remember being in an education class having to draw a pig to express our personality. "What the crap is this," is what I thought. "How is this going to help me teach a group of high school students?" I dropped the class that day and changed to Elementary Education, until I still couldn't get past that assignment and dropped the class a second time and changed my major for the fourth time to Sociology.

Now when I began this specific journey, I liked the more breaking, the areas that society felt were taboo. How each culture, ethnic group, and economic sector worked separately and together.

I had it! The most brilliant idea ever! I would be a social researcher. This was the plan for the duration of my undergraduate time....until I graduated, realized that I am more a family person than someone who would branch off and live a life of solitude. I knew that there was no demand for a social research in or around the area I lived, so I had to chose a field that my major was qualified for. 

Enter Social Work. 

I have been working in the field of social work for nine years now. I have worked with the elderly and disabled, as a provider agency for foster children, and now at the Department of Children's Services. 

I love it. With the understanding that every job has it's bad days, drama, and moments of burn out. It's an emotionally unrewarding job for the most part. You find that glimmer of satisfaction when good prevails. You take the negative comments and cursings in stride and continue to try to find the positive in every situation. You take each person, each family, each child to heart. It does not stop at the end of the day, at the close of a case, at the end of the job. 

There are some families that I will forever hold dear. 

As a social worker, you put your all into each family and child. As a painter puts some of their-self into their painting, as a writer puts some of their-self into their writing, a social worker leaves some of their-self in the lives of the families they work with and visa-verse.

To in a sense hold their-selves accountable for the success of the families, the future direction of the children. To always in the backs of their mind wonder how each family is now, a year, five years, ten years down the line. 

I definitely am that person who does. I become excited when I hear from families that I worked with that are successful now. I become saddened when their lives falter. 

As a social worker, there is no timeclock. It is a life choice. A heart choice. It is my choice... and I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had for any other occupation.

"To thine own self be true..."

Have you ever been faced with a decision where there is a clear picture of angel on one shoulder, demon on the other? 

I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding this very thing. There has been few times when this situation has come up in my own life. Call me boring , call me set in my ways... probably both true. 

I had mentioned to her that I can't understand how people let their lives get so out of control. That so many people it seems have strayed from old fashioned morality and follow the masses of whatever is edgy and pushing the envelope. 

Granted, I have always been that person to march to the beat of my own drum. That does not in anyway mean that I've not had my fair share of screw-ups. I'd like to think I've learned from most, if not all of them. 

But what about the ones who don't learn, or those who are so far down the spiraling rabbit hole that they don't even notice the angel trying to help them out?

I've heard many people throw up cultural and moral progression. Because we are a progressive nation x,y,and z is now acceptable. Maybe so. But not for everyone. 

Progression is also regression when in the hands of idiots. We can spout freedom of religion (which I agree with) but it goes too far to the extreme that now every religion except Christianity is free to openly discuss.  Homosexuality used to be viewed as condemnable. Now not the case by and large which is great...but then society wants to chastise anyone who is anti homosexuality. 

Freedom of speech and freedom of beliefs should not be confined to the extremities. It seems today that if a belief does not mirror societal progression of liberal antics then it should be dismissed. 

So by that thought...so many people I know get stuck in this vicious cycle of doing what is edgy and though maybe socially deviant ....acceptable...even when they feel it is wrong. 

 

What do I say??

To thine own self be true. Forget what others are saying is ok, good, acceptable, the new norm. Be true to you even if it's the complete opposite of the masses. 

Country Girl....I am NOT

I have always thought of myself as a hermit. Someone who could live in the middle of nowhere with minimal or no social interaction and do exceptionally well. While I still think this is the case, I am no where near a country girl. 

I loved growing up and being able to walk the road, attempt to ride a bike (as I didn't learn until I was in middle school and still then it was pretty iffy), etc. and not have to worry about vehicles running you over. 

We knew all of our neighbors. Most either lived there prior to my parents moving here, or they were family.  

Now as I look out my window writing this blog, I see three houses. All of which I cannot even begin to tell you the names of the families that live in them. These houses are within yelling distance and I have no clue who they are. 

Again I am not a very social person, so I don't really care who they are, but still, it's different. 

I would love again for it to be dispersed more so than it is now. 

However, as much as I love solitude, I am in no sense a "country" person. I do not farm, I do not know how to use a tractor, I can't keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. I hate to garden, and farm animals stink...literally. 

I am not sure what happened today, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a cookout at a friends house and willingly tried fresh farm eggs. I know for most this is commonplace. NOT ME. I go to great lengths to ensure that the eggs that I eat are only EB. Not sure what I did before they existed. 

So I tried them....and I liked them. Craziness. 

This morning, I not only bought, cooked, and ate fresh eggs, but I also ate bacon from my sisters pig that was slaughtered and processed. I have fed, and called this animal by name multiple times in the past year. As I cooked it and put it on my plate I was frozen as I wasn't sure if I could eat this animal that was for all intents and purposes a pet. So I did the only rational thing I knew and I took a breath and closed my eyes and pretended I didn't know what I was eating. 

It was good. Now, I would never raise a pig to slaughter. But I didn't throw up, nor did I throw out the remainder of the bacon. 

After I had a little meltdown about all of these (NOT ME) scenarios. I heard a mouse.....again.

I realized that it was in my trash can. How it got in there I am not sure. But it became this fifteen minute production. Noah didn't make it any easier. I took the trash can outside where he proceeds to tell me that he is going to catch it. I'm glad that no one was videoing the situation because I would deny it to the end. 

He finally did catch it after we chased it all around the porch. His great idea was going to be to sling it off the porch. He did. And it ran back towards the house and up the porch.

Um no. This mouse is not going to go back into the house. I will not sleep for fear that it will be my unwelcomed sleeping guest. 

So I grabbed the first thing that I could see....which was metal rake....and shooed it off the porch again. This became a four time repeated event in which I didn't know what else to do except...stab the stupid thing with the rake.

I know...I know...but it was a rodent and it wouldn't listen and leave. 

So almost twelve hours later and I am still thinking about this morning. What happened? In one day I ate my nieces pet, I ate farm food, and I stabbed a mouse with a rake. Mid life crisis? If so I think I desperately need a new one. 

H.M.S - The Cycle

My blogs seem to always revolve around my personal conflict, struggles, pain, emotions, or insight of present events. This one is slightly different and research based....I use "research" lightly, however. 

A friend and I have been keeping track of a little thing I like to call H.M.S for the past year. It's up to you through the duration of this post to determine what the initials stand for. 

I do not very often make a habit of living in the past. I don't play the what if game. I try...try to take the approach, whats in the past is there for a reason. I would have assumed that guys live by this motto as well. Wrong. Now hear me out before you quit reading...guys...I said it's research based!
 
I used to work at a subcontracted company at the hospital and we had a running joke that when a certain doctor was in the ER, it would be a full moon, and it would be packed with patients. More times than not, this was the case. Maybe the moon had something to do with it. Maybe it was sheer coincidence. 

MEN HAVE A CYCLE!                                          .

Now this friend (female) and I can go weeks without talking. But like clockwork I can message her or she I and we know when this very nonrandom men cycle has began for each other. It's the same. 

What cycle? When men come out of the woodwork and bombard our phones, facebook, or life in some capacity. We may have a friendship with them, we may have had a romantic history with them, things may have ended amiable, things may have ended with a clarity that we didn't want to even speak to each other again. Ultimately none of that matters during this cycle, because they have this vigor and ability to feel they have a right to start anew. 

Now, I'm not talking about a solitary incident with a solitary person of the male gender. I am talking about at least seven occasions in the past year for both myself and said friend where anywhere from three to upward of six plus will out of the blue, with no rhyme or reason try to weasel their way back into our life. 

H.M.S.  Clear and simple. 

I cannot think of any other reasonable purpose for this. Relationship status is irrelevant during these cycles. They will be present anyway. Said friend is married and it still doesn't matter! They still message. She can, during one cycle tell them in no uncertain terms to bugger off, and they may, but come next cycle there they reappear. 

It's interesting, humorous, and overwhelming. 

I laugh as I write this because I can already anticipate that some male friends in my life will be curious as to if this is about them and chances are if you think it may be, it probably isn't.

I wonder though if men are even aware this happens. Are you?? Are you aware that you too, indeed have a H.M.S cycle? Think about it.

Sleeping dogs and double standards.

Boys....Relationships. Why do we dabble in dramatic situations? Why do I rather? 

I all too often choose people who are wrong for me. Glutton for punishment I suppose. I give trust freely instead of requiring any part to be earned. I have pre conceived notions of how things should be. I have high expectations yet feel anyone can reach them. 

Over the last week I have had several conversations with several people about relationships. 

What I've learned:

First I have some amazing people in my corner. Great friends with great advice who know me enough to be objective and non biased. 

I have learned that there is such a blatant double standard when it comes to dating. It is perfectly acceptable for a guy to see multiple girls (whether he is up front about it or not) but somewhere things changed and it's not ok for girls to do the same. Why is this?  I was under the impression that's kind of why you date...is to give people the opportunity. To get to know each other and to ultimately decide who is right for you. 

I have learned that I have no patience for guys who don't know what they want, that need "trained", that are passive, dismissive, untruthful, or shady. 

So I have my list of what I look for. What my partner in crime needs to be. Sometimes in the past I have thought it was a situation of having one or the other. You can have sweet, caring and emotionally supportive or you can have a sense of humor, sarcasm, and intelligence. 

If that's the case, I'll just stick to my slew of friends and call it even. But I don't think it is. I think the best of both worlds exists. 

I also have learned I don't have the energy to deal with people who won't make a valiant effort to be an active participant in a relationship. "Let sleeping dogs lie" is a piece of advice I received and he couldn't be more accurate. 

Why should I have to hope, pray, and beg someone to put forth effort? I shouldn't ... And won't actually. 

So it goes. I'm 32. Been Married. Divorced. Have had some insane relationships that would be great conversation pieces but yet I wouldn't change a bit. Every person who has entered my life....Good, bad, or indifferent has left their mark either by adding to or taking away ...and I am who I am today because of it. 

What I've also learned is there's a double standard for age in relationships. It is not unheard of for a 25 year old female to date a 35 year old male. However for roles to be reversed it's taboo. Or maybe it's just taboo in my mind. 

But why should it be? I say it's maturity. That I should not date younger because they are not mature. But on the same note I've dated someone who was almost double my age and he had no more maturity than most high schoolers. 

I think I may have been very wrong and unfair in my complete dismissal of certain guys based on age alone. I have learned...maybe...that age sometimes is a number and that I shouldn't discredit them on that alone.

Standards should be high. Settling should not be an option. Know what you want and continue searching until you find it. 

Hit the REWIND button!!

There are definitely times in life where I have said or done something that has been an "oh crap" moment. In that minute of time there has been the thought...it sure would be nice if there was a rewind button in life to erase that from existence. But even if it were that simple would I want to? 

While I was driving today the song "Breathe" came on and I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed by thoughts of a current situation. 

A few days ago I had said some things. Some serious, some sarcastic, and some just out of a playfully silly mood. Every bit was spoken truth but my fear at this present date is that it was not received as I intended by said person. So after hearing this song I contemplated what would or would not have transpired if I had never uttered a word. REWIND BUTTON STAT!!

But no. I am a no nonsense person for the most part. I say what I mean. I do what I say. Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that from everyone else. 

I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES!

Now don't read what I am not writing. I don't necessarily enjoy confrontation but it's necessary. In my job it goes without saying that I confront people on a daily basis. It is what it is. Now what about my personal life?

Here's my theory. 

If you are in my life in any aspect...family, friends, significant other...you are important to me. With that said I feel that there should be an open line of communication. I should be up front and honest. You should be up front and honest. If you have done something that isn't kosher or I disagree with I feel I should discuss that with you. The reverse is also true. 

Call me out on issues. If you're mad. Make it known. Hash it out. 

Don't go silent. 

So no. I would not wish there was a life rewind button. Change does not take place by being stagnant. 

Talk...think...ask questions...understand...move forward never backward.