For someone who tries to see every experience as a learning experience leading to self improvement, I believe that all in all I am given my fair share of them.
Sometimes I am curious as to if situations just land in my lap or I seek them out or I have a huge naive sign tattooed in flesh tone ink on my forehead.
I remember a time in my life, namely after my divorce that I realized that the entire way that I go about situations is screwed up for the most part. Right vs wrong, justified vs happy, etc.
Some people are just born suckers maybe. The ones who have a predisposition to save the world. But what about when we need saved.
I was in a difficult place in life about a year ago. Had been burned one too many times by relationships. Each time constructing the walls around my heart with different material. Stronger material. I believe that I posted something some time ago regarding the vast double standard for guys and girls where dating is concerned.
So I was done with the traditional dating. It would be light hearted. I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't allow myself to be put in the position of being hurt. It would be easier that way.
In many instances I was on a downward spiral. Well....my version of a downward spiral anyway which still is very minimal.
So I met someone in this journey. Online....yeah yeah....sometimes I wish I would have followed my mothers advice and left the whole online culture of dating alone. This said person was a good guy. In the traditional good guy sense. He had his stuff together. He was a great dad, protective of his kids. There were some similar interests. We got along. Never an argument in seven months.....let that sink in. Never an argument in seven months.
In many areas, I saw this person as a normalizing factor in my life. Right person at the right time. As time went on I grew to love this person. I could see what my future would be.
After months of joking of being his secret mistress....the jokes took a turn to reality. Now I was never the mistress in the legit sense; however, there were many red flags that made it easy to go there in my mind.
Ultimately things didn't work out. Now I didn't fault him. I had no hard feelings toward him. We simply were not on the same page with life, love, and relationships.
I have a dear friend who makes it his personal mission to get inside my head and move the chess pieces around to see how I react. Playing devils advocate if you will. I believe for the most part he is sincere in his reasons for doing so and that he tries to have me be real with my thoughts and feelings on any issue.
He always viewed this relationship as that I was in love with the ideal of the relationship. In love with the ideal of love. That he felt that I needed someone safe at the time to help balance what was going on in my head.
He may have been right on many levels of this. Did I love him? Yes....but I am positive that I didn't like I should have. Not like he did. Not like what would have been needed to make a relationship work.
Remember the no argument in seven months. Shoot I have arguments with my family more often than this. With my friends and coworkers. With my clients. With my child who I love more than anyone on this earth. Who doesn't have an argument? I have thought of this for some time. Maybe by the simple fact that part of me wasn't invested enough to rock the boat on any issue speaks louder than I'm willing to admit.
Everything is a learning experience right? Each relationship should be used as a stepping stone for the next. You should take the lessons learned and apply to future relationships.
So what did I learn?
I learned that I do have the ability to make things work. That I do close myself off a little too much to save myself from being hurt. That I compartmentalize aspects of life and love to a bit of an unhealthy degree. That I can't be the person who has one good part of someone but not the rest.
I wrote a blog a while back about the desire to have someone with a good heart, who is a good man, who is protective and loving and sincere....but also someone who is passionate and strong and swoonworthy.
I was able to see myself setting things aside. Saying aloud to myself....well but I can make this work. It'll be ok. So I don't have my proverbial check list marked off, but it'll be ok.
NOOOOO....it is never ok.
Now don't get me wrong.....perfection is not what I'm after. Actually truth be known I like a little imperfection. But I don't have to pick and choose. I can have both. I have learned from that relationship that I demand both actually. I shouldn't just settle for comfort and stability and never have the passion and lust that makes relationships more than predated arranged marriages.
I also realized that I am doing myself no favor by being emotionally closed off. It didn't hurt....in the least....to be finished with the relationship. It was actually a breath of fresh air to think eh maybe we can be friends. Friendship we did well. I hurt because I knew he did, but not because I was sad that it had ended.
So did I waste seven months on a relationship that was going nowhere? Not really. The lessons learned were insurmountable and ultimately, though a little scattered and torn, I am a better person today because of it.
Some people get so bogged down by breakups and it rocks their world to a very unhealthy degree. Don't let it be like that. Change the course, change your approach, change your focus and let it be what it is.
Life is short. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Know what is important and go from there.
......to be continued
No comments:
Post a Comment