Misery Loves Company....and lots of it!

There are times in life where one has to take a step back. Times in life where it seems that life has become stagnant...that there is no change, no progress, no positive movement at all taking place. During these times we have to remove our selves from the active and look at our lives from the outside.

I truly believe that everyone enters our lives for a reason. There is a purpose that each person serves in our lives. Whether that purpose is positive, negative, short term or long term...it makes us who we become and we have the opportunity to use each situation as a time for growth and change.

I recently have discovered that more days than not I am left shaking my head at situations. Now don't get me wrong... I have allowed myself to be in situations that are unhealthy at times. A huge weakness of mine is not wishing to have conflict, not wishing to hurt anyones feelings, not wishing to force change. Sometimes I think that in life it becomes easy to just be and let others guide the path that we take; however, this is never the best course.

I believe that everyone has a thought of where they want their life to be and if this thought stays in the forefront of each and every decision made, some crucial moments in life have to take place.

A few situations happened in the past several weeks that made me realize that my life was not exactly where I wanted it to be. That there were people in my life that was dragging me down, or were taking much more from me than I was willing to give emotionally. That there were negative influences, that there was temptations that I would rather not be in the company of. 

Now to be fair, not one of the persons in my life that I felt needed to be removed were bad people. Truth be known, the majority of them I considered to be fairly close friends.

Talking to several people in the line of work that I do, I have heard more than once, twice, three times that in order for drug addicts to remain sober, they had to completely remove themselves from the peers that they had and surround themselves with  a completely new group of peers. Not that they hated those, not that they did anything wrong....simply because for them to succeed, they needed to move on and not associate with the past.

Misery loves company! I actually have thought a lot about this and I think there are some people in life that are truly THAT miserable that they wish for others to surround them that share in that misery. Let me tell you, it is draining! Seriously...in these situations, and I have been in a few, my entire demeanor changes. From happy to frustrated. From being optimistic to being very doom and gloom. No one needs that in their life.  However, with that said, I think that there are some that don't even realize they are doing that...at all.

I think that there are some people that are so engulfed with their life that they can't see past their own nose. Can't see when and how they are screwing up others lives. That they are so unhappy with their own (whether their life is good or not is irrelevant), that they find different people to "use" to fulfill that aspect of unhappiness. This seems to be the "misery loves company" aspect that I too often have fallen into the company of.

So anyway, this was the fork in the road that I was at. Not everyone from my past/ present was altered, but I seriously took a look at everyone that was close to me. From the best of friends, to fair weathered friends, male and female and I evaluated each relationship. If there was any part of the friendship, regardless of how close the friendship was, that was negative, that was off balanced, that was emotionally draining, that was not conducive for where I needed to be and where I was going, I had to cut ties with.

Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it is. However, I have never felt that my life in the form of a puzzle fit together as well as it does in this present moment in every aspect of life.

So maybe it was selfish and uncalled for and confusing for a life "friend" cleansing...but in the name of self improvement, success, and clarity...I'm good with being a bit selfish in that instance.

Change is necessary at times. Embrace it. Be selfish. You don't have to explain your motive or rationale. Besides those "misery loves company" people in your life won't understand it anyway.  :)

Necktie Party....aka....a little thing called doom sentencing

As of today, there has been 26 individuals executed in 2014 in the United States. That's more than 3 per month. That's insane. It's hard to grasp I believe. 

Though my job puts me in the court rooms, jail, and in the lives of convicted felons, it seems difficult to comprehend this amount of death row inmates. 

It's interesting to think about the differences. What justifies one person to have life in prison with no chance or parole and another to be awaiting a death sentence. And really if one is to be imprisoned for "life", is that not ultimately a death sentence in and of itself?

I used to think for days on end after watching Shawshank Redemption of death row and prison and the poor little man who hung himself because he was completely lost after being in jail for so long and going back into society. I used to play the what if game. What if....someone hurt my family....and I killed them....I would ultimately go to prison. The crime would be moralistically understandable, but legally wrong. It would still be murder regardless of how it was looked at. So I would think what would I rather...life in prison...or execution. Fear, regret, loss, while awaiting execution...the walk up to the room, being prepared, and ultimately dying....or to be in prison until my body decided it was time to be done. Lets say normal life expectancy is to 80. I commit the crime at 32 ...that's 50 years to be in prison....50 years! Sometimes I think that execution is, in a way , the easy way out.

Money speaks I supposed. It is drastically cheaper to off someones life than let them stay locked up in prison their entire life, but is this ideal? 

Ok, Ok...I hear the gallery stirring. I already hear counter arguments and wheels turning. On one side an argument is that they deserve nothing less than what they did to be on death row in the first place. So if they murdered their six year old son, if they raped and killed a random chick at a bar, if they stabbed a group of men at random for the fun of it, they don't deserve to live. On the flip side of this is why should it be so easy for them? Why should they have the "easy" way out? Why not make them relive that over and over again?

For that to happen, a little thing called remorse would have to take place. I suppose that's why appeals are set up so that if sincere change takes place, there is the opportunity to overturn a death penalty sentence and change to life in prison, or some sort of rehabilitation program. 

Side note here....I do think that jails and prisons are a disservice for the most part. Felons go in, they serve their time, and they are out. THEY ARE FELONS FOR A REASON. 

Today in court I heard a plea from an attorney to overturn a decision because her client really needed assistance. Mental health assistance to turn from the way of life she was living. I get this. I think there should be mandatory rehabilitation programs for inmates. It may sound like we are helping those who don't deserve it, but if a bit more money could go into programs on the front in, maybe the rate of recidivism would drastically decrease, hence...less crimes.

Anyway that's a huge tangent. As I was looking into executions (which may I say none of the executions this year have been from Tennessee), I found an application to be a witness to an execution. Now I understand that families of both the inmate, and of the victim would generally wish to be present for closure...but just randoms...to watch someone die? That seems a bit morbid, no?

Bucket list....go to Ireland....go skydiving....play the drums...watch an execution....really???? Maybe it's just me, but does that not go against everything kosher there is? Why would anyone WANT to do that? 

I do believe we live in a violent culture. Not necessarily more so than the past. It is more in public's eyes now, and I think to a certain extent there is a glamorization of violence that hasn't necessarily been there before. How does executions help de-glamorize violence? Oh...you killed someone...that's wrong...lets kill you... hmm. 

Ok, so lets black and white it. Here's my stance on it. I'm on the fence. Surprise surprise. I understand the arguments for and against both execution and life in prison. I would be completely against executions if there was not a jury to convict, and an appeal process, and a chance to flip that decision with time. I understand the cause and effect. The quid pro quo, however, I'm not sure I would want to give up the opportunity to make the perpetrator uncomfortable every time I could. To make them wonder if they ever did make it out of prison would they have to look over their shoulder constantly. 

Executions are closure though, no doubt, and people who have that much forgiveness to make grand statements that though someone may have killed someone close to them, that they don't want the same to happen to them have my utmost respect and they will have a mansion one day as I happily sweep out my shack, because I'm positive I don't have that level of forgiveness. 

P.S. Just as a reminder...I do not wish to be invited to anyone's necktie party.

"Wait a second, why should you care..."

Admittedly I have been at a loss for what to blog about this week. It's a strange feeling. The feeling where so many thoughts and emotions...so many ideas being processed and events happening but yet none of which can be wrangled enough to put into words. 

This week I asked a friend for advice of what to write about. Next time I ask for a blog topic it will not be directly after I have vented about situations that have happened through the week. 

But yet it is still humorous at how things transpired. 

Each week I look up the free song on iTunes. I rarely ever download it; however, I am a huge Colbie Callat fan and it was a single by her titled "Try". I downloaded it and fell in love with the song. 

I have never been a conformist. I am who I am and have never really cared what other people think. I tend to like oddities, eccentricities,  those who also march to a different beat than the masses. 

So anyway. This song is about a girl who spends her entirety trying to please other people. Changing herself to be accepted by societal norms until she realizes who she is when the door is closed and when the pressures of what others thinks she should be have been removed she realized that she likes who she is without having to be who others want her to be. 

I think the overarching message is to be comfortable in your own skin. 

When this is mentioned the majority of people just assume it's something that fat people say just to excuse their weight. I know a ton of thin and built people who still aren't comfortable with who they are. 

So anyway...said friend suggested I write about this in a personal aspect. 

I at this point in my life am good with who I am. Are there areas that I see that could improve ...speaking of physicality....absolutely. But I could also curb my temper and sarcasm at times. 

I believe there are things about everyone if given the opportunity they would wave a magic wand and change slightly. This to me is different than a hatred for ones self. A feeling of unworthiness of unattractiveness and an all consuming need to change yet never be happy. 

It's as simple as preference. It is unrealistic to think everyone is going to be attracted to a single person or type. I for sure am not. Not that those who I am not attracted to are ugly....just not my preference. So why in the world would I think that I am everyone's cup of tea? Heck some people despise tea and that's kosher. 

Every one has incredibly attractive features. Know what they are. Own them. 100% of you may not be hot but some traits are. And by the way... personalities are also attractive.

Listen to the song...

Here are some lyrics to leave you with:

"Wait a second, why should you care what they think of you, when you're all alone by yourself do you like you?..." 

Be comfortable in your own skin. Like who you are. Don't try to be someone you aren't. Don't change yourself for someone's approval. 

Don't wait for someone else to tell you that you are amazing....tell yourself that! 

The culture of online dating. . .

Those who really know me, know that online dating is not a foreign concept in my life. Never has been. Being someone who is not a social butterfly and would rather watch a group of people than take part in anything that they are doing, it seemed only to make sense that I would go to the 'net to meet people.

I remember the first day that I created an online account....with ICQ....(yes I'm old). My parents were out on a date on the General Jackson and I had the night by myself. Keep in mind this was deviant. Before that the only deviant thing that I had done was read a harlequin novel in my closet so no one knew....(unfortunately I cannot erase that from existence). Anyway, so this quickly became the medium that I used to meet guys to go on dates with. I remember the words of caution that my mother gave me about how you can be whoever you want to be online, they could be posing as other persons, etc, but I ...for the most part...had pretty positive experiences. I met some pretty great people, two of which are still good friends.

Something happened along the way, between the days of ICQ and Yahoo to today with a blue million different sites. Lets see if I can name the majority. We've got the normal social media of myspace and facebook, match.com, zoosk, POF, skout, and a slew of others.

Online dating has killed the dating scene altogether. Gone are the days of gradually getting to know someone, of courting someone, of enjoying the simplicities. It has become this fast paced rush to the end.

Speed dating on crack is what it has become.

There are several cons to it. Cons meaning negative things...not that people are cons...which they are!

Ok, so down to the nitty gritty. First there is this whole concept of playing up the positives. I have no qualms about letting people know my downfalls. They should right? They should know the good, but they should also know the bad. Online dating has a sense of building up the positives and skipping over anything negative to the point of more times than not embellishing the truth.

There is also the idea of settling. Before the accessibility of online dating, multiple people literally at your fingertip, relationships lasted longer. People appreciated what they had. Appreciated the work put into them to make them great. Appreciated how they bounced back from an argument. Found ways to compromise without feeling as if they were settling. Now it seems the first time that someone disagrees with another, it's on to the next person. And really it's even more juvenile than that. Oh, you didn't text within x amount of time... ciao.

On the same thought, there is the notion that the grass is greener on the other side. Guys get their egos stroked. To be fair, I'm sure it's the same for girls as well, but since the male gender is who I pursue, I can only comment to what I know. So a guy sees a chicks pics on a dating site, may or may not read her profile, sends her a message....she responds....and agrees to a date. Lets say this girl is a 6 on a scale of 1-10 on the hotness factor. Wow...thinks said guy...that was easy. She just said yes, no coaxing, no emotional filler. Lets see if I can get an 8 on the scale since this one was quick to agree. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle of people never being happy with who they have.

It becomes easy to be unfaithful. There is a lull in a relationship and instead of taking it as it is, or communicating...so many people are quick to just give up, or start messaging other people to fill that lull.

Ok, so there are also positives. Clearly, I wouldn't still dabble with the online dating scene if it was all negative.

But I am also a closet optimist, so who knows.

What are the good points to it? For those of us who have full time jobs, kids, etc etc etc, it is a great medium to actually strike up conversations with people. For those who live around here. If the bar scene isn't your thing, there really isn't anything else. So it introduces us to others, there is the opportunity to communicate prior to meeting up in person. The benefit to this is one, that you can weed out people who you don't think you have anything in common with prior to meeting and saving that awkward...yeah this isn't going to happen again conversation face to face ;), and two you already know a bit about that person to have things to talk about immediately instead of finding a commonality. 

Also it gives the opportunity to dial up a person to an extent. Filter for specifics to make the search easier. Now there are the people who just see a pretty face and message anyway. Generally these are easy to spot like when they say "It looks like we have a lot in common from reading your about you section"...and I want to say um which part a single mom or don't send risque pics (while they're posing half naked with their pants undone)??

Anyway....I convinced a friend to join a dating site. I do have to say....my encounters are so very tame in comparison. Don't get me wrong. I have some stories. Would gladly share some of them if you need a mid-day laugh. But I've learned through her that I don't do b.s. It's a waste of time and energy. Though, yes it's fun to call someone out on being a douche, sometimes, it's just not worth it. I think there is a huge population that become jaded quick with the online dating scene. That all guys ...or girls online are fake, are not worth the effort, are there just for random hookups, etc.

The reality is...people are people. They choose what their life is. Not all people that are online looking to find someone (in whatever capacity they are looking for) are bad, just as not all people that choose to find potential dates offline are bad. Cherish the good. If and when you find someone you click with and enjoy spending time with... take it for what it is. The good with the not so good. And by all means....quit being quick on the drawl of looking for someone else. Give it a fair shake, stay off the dating sites...until (if) it does not work out. Don't be skouting the next best thing as a back up plan. Back up plans are just your conscious saying you're not into what you have currently. If you aren't don't pretend just to have someone around.

That's my randomness for the day. 

Happy hunting!

What would you do with $1,000,000

As I was standing in line today waiting to pay for my gas, I noticed an older man turning in two scratch off tickets. The total winning came to $25.00. That's a decent amount of cash. That would have been over half a tank of gas on this specific occasion. Instead of taking the winnings and leaving, he used the entire amount on more scratch off tickets. I could have used that cash I thought, and here he is leaving it to chance.

I left the gas station and began pumping the $40.00 that I just purchased in gas, I was still thinking about this situation. Thinking, people can never really be happy can they? He just won cash. Not a dollar or two, but twenty-five. I wonder if he won $100 if he would still choose to buy more tickets to see if he could multiply his earnings. At what point would it stop. At what point would he have said, I'll take the money and run? And why is lottery chance? Why isn't it merit or good will based?

As I closed the car door and drove away, I started thinking...what would I do with a million dollars? You hear all kinds of horror stories about individuals who win some fat cash and their lives go to crap afterwards. I've heard the stories about how they blow it all and then are in worse shape than they started financially because they have created this lifestyle that they cannot maintain when they expend the initial money. 

So on my drive through Cumberland County, I created a plan of what exactly I would do with the money. For giggles, I'll share it...with the world! 

For my created plan and for the purpose of this blog, I am indicating that one million is what I have in hand and the taxes have already been paid. 

First off, I would put $100,000 in savings / roth ira accounts so I can actually retire one day. I would pay off my home and my vehicle and student loans. My current home, while I love it because it is home is not my "dream home", So I would use that home as a homeless rehabilitation home free of rent for homeless families to get on their feet and build my modest dream home. I project that this would be roughly $450,000. I would give $10,000 to my siblings and $20,000 to my parents, and $5,000 to nieces and nephews. I would use 10,000 to lavishly blow at my leisure. I would put  $80,000 into a college fund for Noah and $30,000 into a savings account for him as well. I would take $100,000 and use it for tithing. I would then split the remainder. I would take $30,000 and be a random giving fairy and give money to those who I chose (whether I know them or not). $35,000 would go to cancer research. The reminding $65,000 would go into checking to use for living expenses, vacations, etc while still maintaining my normal job.

So while I still think it's crazy for someone to give up the cash in hand for a chance at more, and though I know there will never be a day the lotto gods shine down on me, it's fun to play around with what if's and it sure made my drive seem a whole lot quicker.

Now that you know how I would breakdown a million dollar winning, what would you do with that kind of cash??   Make it count!

Bad boys for the win.....er....or not so much

A few things happened in the course of the day which made me want to delve into a blog about said topic. 

I didn't work...but I stopped by the office for a while anyway. While I was there someone mentioned about the Fed Ex guy being attractive. In which our secretary quickly said he is not the type of person wanted. That "he may be ok to test drive, but you don't want to buy him."  Whoa ok, point made loud and clear. 

As the day went on, I read a post on facebook by a friend talking about how girls, by and large, don't want the good guys. Don't want the hopeless romantics, who love with everything they have, who are caring and compassionate. That though they may speak these notions, evidence (at least for him) shows that this is not the case, that they will choose the bad boys, the jerks, the ones who legitamately don't care....every time. 

So I have thought over the past few hours, and several times throughout my life about whether this indeed is the case. 

Do women predominately choose the option that they know is not a long term option? The one who is going to ultimately treat them like crap? The one that can schmooze and say all of the right things but that's as far as it goes? 

Unfortunately, I think I have to say yes on this one. Ugh, that takes some coaxing of my fingers to actually type that out for whoever to see. 

But let me explain my rationale here. It will ultimately make sense. 

Chicks clearly for the most part have a side of them who want the typical "bad boy". It's not that we want someone with felony convictions, or the wife beater type, or you name it. It is that so often, with time, the opposite of a "bad boy", seems to be a pansy. The happy medium has ceased to exist. 

That medium is what we want...and all too often can't find. 

The attraction to the "type" is simple. Someone who is a "man"...who speaks his mind, who can command the presence of a room, who can put us in our proverbial place if needed, who can have calloused hands because they aren't afraid to work. It just seems with these, there is also the tendencies to treat us like crap. 

So the alternative is, those who are emotionally more sensitive than us, who manicures their hands more than we do, who would be completely content staying home and allowing us to be the breadwinner. 

Women are complicated you say?...no joke...I'll be the first to admit that. What we say and what we mean when we say what we want in a guy are often contradictory.

So I'll make it simple. 

What we want is someone who "could" put us in our place, but respects us enough not to. Someone who in public hides their emotions, but trusts us enough to let us in on a part of them that they don't show everyone. We want that person who does not have backwoods gender role expectations of women to be in the kitchen and not be in the workforce, someone who encourages our goals, our independence,  and motivates us to be more than we are, but still makes us feel safe and secure being with them alone. We want someone who makes us continue to pursue them, but who knows we already have them...and vise-verse.  We want someone who respects us and that we know would defend us, but allows us to handle most of our own battles. We want someone to be kind, considerate, respectful, and who wants to spend time with us, but not hover. 

So it's not that we don't want the good guys. WE PREFER THE GOOD GUYS..WE WANT THE GOOD GUYS.....

We just want a good guy....with a bit of edge. 

 

Social Work Doesn't Have a Timeclock

Truth be known, I never wanted to be in the social work field...(shh, don't tell my boss). 

When I started my college journey, I started out wanting to be a journalist. I had a brief job opportunity at my local newspaper, researching, writing, editing, investigating, and interviewing. It was amazing. I loved it. After a couple classes, I quickly realized that there was not a high demand for the type of writings that I would like to be involved in.

I changed my major to education. That was my mothers wishes for my career. I worked as a substitute teacher the first two years of college on Tuesdays and Thursdays to help supplement college costs. I enjoyed teaching high school students. They knew the fundamentals (for the most part), they had their individual personalities, sarcasm was keen, and I liked encouraging the oddities that made them unique. 

I remember being in an education class having to draw a pig to express our personality. "What the crap is this," is what I thought. "How is this going to help me teach a group of high school students?" I dropped the class that day and changed to Elementary Education, until I still couldn't get past that assignment and dropped the class a second time and changed my major for the fourth time to Sociology.

Now when I began this specific journey, I liked the more breaking, the areas that society felt were taboo. How each culture, ethnic group, and economic sector worked separately and together.

I had it! The most brilliant idea ever! I would be a social researcher. This was the plan for the duration of my undergraduate time....until I graduated, realized that I am more a family person than someone who would branch off and live a life of solitude. I knew that there was no demand for a social research in or around the area I lived, so I had to chose a field that my major was qualified for. 

Enter Social Work. 

I have been working in the field of social work for nine years now. I have worked with the elderly and disabled, as a provider agency for foster children, and now at the Department of Children's Services. 

I love it. With the understanding that every job has it's bad days, drama, and moments of burn out. It's an emotionally unrewarding job for the most part. You find that glimmer of satisfaction when good prevails. You take the negative comments and cursings in stride and continue to try to find the positive in every situation. You take each person, each family, each child to heart. It does not stop at the end of the day, at the close of a case, at the end of the job. 

There are some families that I will forever hold dear. 

As a social worker, you put your all into each family and child. As a painter puts some of their-self into their painting, as a writer puts some of their-self into their writing, a social worker leaves some of their-self in the lives of the families they work with and visa-verse.

To in a sense hold their-selves accountable for the success of the families, the future direction of the children. To always in the backs of their mind wonder how each family is now, a year, five years, ten years down the line. 

I definitely am that person who does. I become excited when I hear from families that I worked with that are successful now. I become saddened when their lives falter. 

As a social worker, there is no timeclock. It is a life choice. A heart choice. It is my choice... and I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had for any other occupation.

"To thine own self be true..."

Have you ever been faced with a decision where there is a clear picture of angel on one shoulder, demon on the other? 

I recently had a discussion with a friend regarding this very thing. There has been few times when this situation has come up in my own life. Call me boring , call me set in my ways... probably both true. 

I had mentioned to her that I can't understand how people let their lives get so out of control. That so many people it seems have strayed from old fashioned morality and follow the masses of whatever is edgy and pushing the envelope. 

Granted, I have always been that person to march to the beat of my own drum. That does not in anyway mean that I've not had my fair share of screw-ups. I'd like to think I've learned from most, if not all of them. 

But what about the ones who don't learn, or those who are so far down the spiraling rabbit hole that they don't even notice the angel trying to help them out?

I've heard many people throw up cultural and moral progression. Because we are a progressive nation x,y,and z is now acceptable. Maybe so. But not for everyone. 

Progression is also regression when in the hands of idiots. We can spout freedom of religion (which I agree with) but it goes too far to the extreme that now every religion except Christianity is free to openly discuss.  Homosexuality used to be viewed as condemnable. Now not the case by and large which is great...but then society wants to chastise anyone who is anti homosexuality. 

Freedom of speech and freedom of beliefs should not be confined to the extremities. It seems today that if a belief does not mirror societal progression of liberal antics then it should be dismissed. 

So by that thought...so many people I know get stuck in this vicious cycle of doing what is edgy and though maybe socially deviant ....acceptable...even when they feel it is wrong. 

 

What do I say??

To thine own self be true. Forget what others are saying is ok, good, acceptable, the new norm. Be true to you even if it's the complete opposite of the masses. 

Country Girl....I am NOT

I have always thought of myself as a hermit. Someone who could live in the middle of nowhere with minimal or no social interaction and do exceptionally well. While I still think this is the case, I am no where near a country girl. 

I loved growing up and being able to walk the road, attempt to ride a bike (as I didn't learn until I was in middle school and still then it was pretty iffy), etc. and not have to worry about vehicles running you over. 

We knew all of our neighbors. Most either lived there prior to my parents moving here, or they were family.  

Now as I look out my window writing this blog, I see three houses. All of which I cannot even begin to tell you the names of the families that live in them. These houses are within yelling distance and I have no clue who they are. 

Again I am not a very social person, so I don't really care who they are, but still, it's different. 

I would love again for it to be dispersed more so than it is now. 

However, as much as I love solitude, I am in no sense a "country" person. I do not farm, I do not know how to use a tractor, I can't keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. I hate to garden, and farm animals stink...literally. 

I am not sure what happened today, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a cookout at a friends house and willingly tried fresh farm eggs. I know for most this is commonplace. NOT ME. I go to great lengths to ensure that the eggs that I eat are only EB. Not sure what I did before they existed. 

So I tried them....and I liked them. Craziness. 

This morning, I not only bought, cooked, and ate fresh eggs, but I also ate bacon from my sisters pig that was slaughtered and processed. I have fed, and called this animal by name multiple times in the past year. As I cooked it and put it on my plate I was frozen as I wasn't sure if I could eat this animal that was for all intents and purposes a pet. So I did the only rational thing I knew and I took a breath and closed my eyes and pretended I didn't know what I was eating. 

It was good. Now, I would never raise a pig to slaughter. But I didn't throw up, nor did I throw out the remainder of the bacon. 

After I had a little meltdown about all of these (NOT ME) scenarios. I heard a mouse.....again.

I realized that it was in my trash can. How it got in there I am not sure. But it became this fifteen minute production. Noah didn't make it any easier. I took the trash can outside where he proceeds to tell me that he is going to catch it. I'm glad that no one was videoing the situation because I would deny it to the end. 

He finally did catch it after we chased it all around the porch. His great idea was going to be to sling it off the porch. He did. And it ran back towards the house and up the porch.

Um no. This mouse is not going to go back into the house. I will not sleep for fear that it will be my unwelcomed sleeping guest. 

So I grabbed the first thing that I could see....which was metal rake....and shooed it off the porch again. This became a four time repeated event in which I didn't know what else to do except...stab the stupid thing with the rake.

I know...I know...but it was a rodent and it wouldn't listen and leave. 

So almost twelve hours later and I am still thinking about this morning. What happened? In one day I ate my nieces pet, I ate farm food, and I stabbed a mouse with a rake. Mid life crisis? If so I think I desperately need a new one. 

H.M.S - The Cycle

My blogs seem to always revolve around my personal conflict, struggles, pain, emotions, or insight of present events. This one is slightly different and research based....I use "research" lightly, however. 

A friend and I have been keeping track of a little thing I like to call H.M.S for the past year. It's up to you through the duration of this post to determine what the initials stand for. 

I do not very often make a habit of living in the past. I don't play the what if game. I try...try to take the approach, whats in the past is there for a reason. I would have assumed that guys live by this motto as well. Wrong. Now hear me out before you quit reading...guys...I said it's research based!
 
I used to work at a subcontracted company at the hospital and we had a running joke that when a certain doctor was in the ER, it would be a full moon, and it would be packed with patients. More times than not, this was the case. Maybe the moon had something to do with it. Maybe it was sheer coincidence. 

MEN HAVE A CYCLE!                                          .

Now this friend (female) and I can go weeks without talking. But like clockwork I can message her or she I and we know when this very nonrandom men cycle has began for each other. It's the same. 

What cycle? When men come out of the woodwork and bombard our phones, facebook, or life in some capacity. We may have a friendship with them, we may have had a romantic history with them, things may have ended amiable, things may have ended with a clarity that we didn't want to even speak to each other again. Ultimately none of that matters during this cycle, because they have this vigor and ability to feel they have a right to start anew. 

Now, I'm not talking about a solitary incident with a solitary person of the male gender. I am talking about at least seven occasions in the past year for both myself and said friend where anywhere from three to upward of six plus will out of the blue, with no rhyme or reason try to weasel their way back into our life. 

H.M.S.  Clear and simple. 

I cannot think of any other reasonable purpose for this. Relationship status is irrelevant during these cycles. They will be present anyway. Said friend is married and it still doesn't matter! They still message. She can, during one cycle tell them in no uncertain terms to bugger off, and they may, but come next cycle there they reappear. 

It's interesting, humorous, and overwhelming. 

I laugh as I write this because I can already anticipate that some male friends in my life will be curious as to if this is about them and chances are if you think it may be, it probably isn't.

I wonder though if men are even aware this happens. Are you?? Are you aware that you too, indeed have a H.M.S cycle? Think about it.

Sleeping dogs and double standards.

Boys....Relationships. Why do we dabble in dramatic situations? Why do I rather? 

I all too often choose people who are wrong for me. Glutton for punishment I suppose. I give trust freely instead of requiring any part to be earned. I have pre conceived notions of how things should be. I have high expectations yet feel anyone can reach them. 

Over the last week I have had several conversations with several people about relationships. 

What I've learned:

First I have some amazing people in my corner. Great friends with great advice who know me enough to be objective and non biased. 

I have learned that there is such a blatant double standard when it comes to dating. It is perfectly acceptable for a guy to see multiple girls (whether he is up front about it or not) but somewhere things changed and it's not ok for girls to do the same. Why is this?  I was under the impression that's kind of why you date...is to give people the opportunity. To get to know each other and to ultimately decide who is right for you. 

I have learned that I have no patience for guys who don't know what they want, that need "trained", that are passive, dismissive, untruthful, or shady. 

So I have my list of what I look for. What my partner in crime needs to be. Sometimes in the past I have thought it was a situation of having one or the other. You can have sweet, caring and emotionally supportive or you can have a sense of humor, sarcasm, and intelligence. 

If that's the case, I'll just stick to my slew of friends and call it even. But I don't think it is. I think the best of both worlds exists. 

I also have learned I don't have the energy to deal with people who won't make a valiant effort to be an active participant in a relationship. "Let sleeping dogs lie" is a piece of advice I received and he couldn't be more accurate. 

Why should I have to hope, pray, and beg someone to put forth effort? I shouldn't ... And won't actually. 

So it goes. I'm 32. Been Married. Divorced. Have had some insane relationships that would be great conversation pieces but yet I wouldn't change a bit. Every person who has entered my life....Good, bad, or indifferent has left their mark either by adding to or taking away ...and I am who I am today because of it. 

What I've also learned is there's a double standard for age in relationships. It is not unheard of for a 25 year old female to date a 35 year old male. However for roles to be reversed it's taboo. Or maybe it's just taboo in my mind. 

But why should it be? I say it's maturity. That I should not date younger because they are not mature. But on the same note I've dated someone who was almost double my age and he had no more maturity than most high schoolers. 

I think I may have been very wrong and unfair in my complete dismissal of certain guys based on age alone. I have learned...maybe...that age sometimes is a number and that I shouldn't discredit them on that alone.

Standards should be high. Settling should not be an option. Know what you want and continue searching until you find it. 

Hit the REWIND button!!

There are definitely times in life where I have said or done something that has been an "oh crap" moment. In that minute of time there has been the thought...it sure would be nice if there was a rewind button in life to erase that from existence. But even if it were that simple would I want to? 

While I was driving today the song "Breathe" came on and I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed by thoughts of a current situation. 

A few days ago I had said some things. Some serious, some sarcastic, and some just out of a playfully silly mood. Every bit was spoken truth but my fear at this present date is that it was not received as I intended by said person. So after hearing this song I contemplated what would or would not have transpired if I had never uttered a word. REWIND BUTTON STAT!!

But no. I am a no nonsense person for the most part. I say what I mean. I do what I say. Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that from everyone else. 

I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES!

Now don't read what I am not writing. I don't necessarily enjoy confrontation but it's necessary. In my job it goes without saying that I confront people on a daily basis. It is what it is. Now what about my personal life?

Here's my theory. 

If you are in my life in any aspect...family, friends, significant other...you are important to me. With that said I feel that there should be an open line of communication. I should be up front and honest. You should be up front and honest. If you have done something that isn't kosher or I disagree with I feel I should discuss that with you. The reverse is also true. 

Call me out on issues. If you're mad. Make it known. Hash it out. 

Don't go silent. 

So no. I would not wish there was a life rewind button. Change does not take place by being stagnant. 

Talk...think...ask questions...understand...move forward never backward. 

Rose colored glasses

Winding roads and miles between destinations are always prime time for my mind to work in overdrive. Today, that thought that overtook my mind was how do you know when you actually know someone. It's been four months since I've dated anyone. That last "relationship" was formed on the basis of lies. He was married for goodness sake! No I didn't know this upon beginning a relationship, but ended up having one of those situations where so many things didn't add up and then it becomes evident that there is something else going on. 

I have been told that I have a tendency to look at people through rose colored glasses. Especially true when it comes to guys I may like. I don't see this. I actually have been psychoanalyzed and my therapist says that he feels I don't trust enough. Shrink says I don't trust enough. Family says I trust too much.

I think that I am pretty much balanced.

After my failed marriage... due to ...a few...extra-marrital affairs, I thought geez....I won't ever trust again. 

I did. Thank God! But I do see where I go into situations with an open mind and heart, but all too often I am let down. 

People can be good for a while....Is where I am. It is easy to be that person you feel others want you to be for a while. At least this is what I feel that the majority of guys do. Lets trick the girl until she falls in love with us and then let our true colors show. 

Do they think that we will at that point say...ah man...I'm too invested now. Lets just stay the course and hope for the best. Um..No. Not happening. Well at least for this girl it's not happening. 

I have a different approach to the initial stages of dating. I would rather lay out every possible negative thing about me. Every non negotiable. Every worrisome quirk in the beginning so that the guy can tuck tail and run before any time is wasted. If they stay despite all of that... awesome. If not. I've wasted minimal time. 

So all of that is to say, I have been seeing someone who I feel to be a great guy. Very different from the normal "type" of guy that I generally date, but a good different I think. 

Dating with a child changes the course of the game drastically. You can't introduce your child right off the bat because what if it doesn't work out. But yet, you can't wait an extended amount of time because you want to see how your significant other and child mesh. So when is the right time? 

"When you know they are not a P.O.S." is the answer that I have liked the most when asked. But if I have been told that I look at guys with rose colored glasses, how will I ever know this? Will I every truely know? Does anyone ever truely know? And why do I always try to overanalyze situations instead of just going with it? 

Today I felt that said guy was upset or off. Distant is the word that I used. Why? I don't really have a valid reason. Just a feeling. OVERANALYZING. Maybe. It's to be determined in my mind. I have to find a balance with these things. To take him at face value. When he said that nothing was wrong, I have to take him at that. Right? Yes, I think so. But I also have to be mindful / observant at the same time. 

So with all of that said. When do you know someone? There are so very few people who know me. Really know me. The good, bad and ugly. Many people know different facets of myself, but it's rare for someone to know me in my entirety. With that said, how unfair is it that I expect to know others to that level? 

It's something to think about though. How well do you allow others to know you? How well do you know others? And if it is pertinent for your to know others on that level, don't you owe it to both yourself and others in your life to know you at that level as well?