Country Girl....I am NOT

I have always thought of myself as a hermit. Someone who could live in the middle of nowhere with minimal or no social interaction and do exceptionally well. While I still think this is the case, I am no where near a country girl. 

I loved growing up and being able to walk the road, attempt to ride a bike (as I didn't learn until I was in middle school and still then it was pretty iffy), etc. and not have to worry about vehicles running you over. 

We knew all of our neighbors. Most either lived there prior to my parents moving here, or they were family.  

Now as I look out my window writing this blog, I see three houses. All of which I cannot even begin to tell you the names of the families that live in them. These houses are within yelling distance and I have no clue who they are. 

Again I am not a very social person, so I don't really care who they are, but still, it's different. 

I would love again for it to be dispersed more so than it is now. 

However, as much as I love solitude, I am in no sense a "country" person. I do not farm, I do not know how to use a tractor, I can't keep a plant alive if my life depended on it. I hate to garden, and farm animals stink...literally. 

I am not sure what happened today, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a cookout at a friends house and willingly tried fresh farm eggs. I know for most this is commonplace. NOT ME. I go to great lengths to ensure that the eggs that I eat are only EB. Not sure what I did before they existed. 

So I tried them....and I liked them. Craziness. 

This morning, I not only bought, cooked, and ate fresh eggs, but I also ate bacon from my sisters pig that was slaughtered and processed. I have fed, and called this animal by name multiple times in the past year. As I cooked it and put it on my plate I was frozen as I wasn't sure if I could eat this animal that was for all intents and purposes a pet. So I did the only rational thing I knew and I took a breath and closed my eyes and pretended I didn't know what I was eating. 

It was good. Now, I would never raise a pig to slaughter. But I didn't throw up, nor did I throw out the remainder of the bacon. 

After I had a little meltdown about all of these (NOT ME) scenarios. I heard a mouse.....again.

I realized that it was in my trash can. How it got in there I am not sure. But it became this fifteen minute production. Noah didn't make it any easier. I took the trash can outside where he proceeds to tell me that he is going to catch it. I'm glad that no one was videoing the situation because I would deny it to the end. 

He finally did catch it after we chased it all around the porch. His great idea was going to be to sling it off the porch. He did. And it ran back towards the house and up the porch.

Um no. This mouse is not going to go back into the house. I will not sleep for fear that it will be my unwelcomed sleeping guest. 

So I grabbed the first thing that I could see....which was metal rake....and shooed it off the porch again. This became a four time repeated event in which I didn't know what else to do except...stab the stupid thing with the rake.

I know...I know...but it was a rodent and it wouldn't listen and leave. 

So almost twelve hours later and I am still thinking about this morning. What happened? In one day I ate my nieces pet, I ate farm food, and I stabbed a mouse with a rake. Mid life crisis? If so I think I desperately need a new one. 

H.M.S - The Cycle

My blogs seem to always revolve around my personal conflict, struggles, pain, emotions, or insight of present events. This one is slightly different and research based....I use "research" lightly, however. 

A friend and I have been keeping track of a little thing I like to call H.M.S for the past year. It's up to you through the duration of this post to determine what the initials stand for. 

I do not very often make a habit of living in the past. I don't play the what if game. I try...try to take the approach, whats in the past is there for a reason. I would have assumed that guys live by this motto as well. Wrong. Now hear me out before you quit reading...guys...I said it's research based!
 
I used to work at a subcontracted company at the hospital and we had a running joke that when a certain doctor was in the ER, it would be a full moon, and it would be packed with patients. More times than not, this was the case. Maybe the moon had something to do with it. Maybe it was sheer coincidence. 

MEN HAVE A CYCLE!                                          .

Now this friend (female) and I can go weeks without talking. But like clockwork I can message her or she I and we know when this very nonrandom men cycle has began for each other. It's the same. 

What cycle? When men come out of the woodwork and bombard our phones, facebook, or life in some capacity. We may have a friendship with them, we may have had a romantic history with them, things may have ended amiable, things may have ended with a clarity that we didn't want to even speak to each other again. Ultimately none of that matters during this cycle, because they have this vigor and ability to feel they have a right to start anew. 

Now, I'm not talking about a solitary incident with a solitary person of the male gender. I am talking about at least seven occasions in the past year for both myself and said friend where anywhere from three to upward of six plus will out of the blue, with no rhyme or reason try to weasel their way back into our life. 

H.M.S.  Clear and simple. 

I cannot think of any other reasonable purpose for this. Relationship status is irrelevant during these cycles. They will be present anyway. Said friend is married and it still doesn't matter! They still message. She can, during one cycle tell them in no uncertain terms to bugger off, and they may, but come next cycle there they reappear. 

It's interesting, humorous, and overwhelming. 

I laugh as I write this because I can already anticipate that some male friends in my life will be curious as to if this is about them and chances are if you think it may be, it probably isn't.

I wonder though if men are even aware this happens. Are you?? Are you aware that you too, indeed have a H.M.S cycle? Think about it.

Sleeping dogs and double standards.

Boys....Relationships. Why do we dabble in dramatic situations? Why do I rather? 

I all too often choose people who are wrong for me. Glutton for punishment I suppose. I give trust freely instead of requiring any part to be earned. I have pre conceived notions of how things should be. I have high expectations yet feel anyone can reach them. 

Over the last week I have had several conversations with several people about relationships. 

What I've learned:

First I have some amazing people in my corner. Great friends with great advice who know me enough to be objective and non biased. 

I have learned that there is such a blatant double standard when it comes to dating. It is perfectly acceptable for a guy to see multiple girls (whether he is up front about it or not) but somewhere things changed and it's not ok for girls to do the same. Why is this?  I was under the impression that's kind of why you date...is to give people the opportunity. To get to know each other and to ultimately decide who is right for you. 

I have learned that I have no patience for guys who don't know what they want, that need "trained", that are passive, dismissive, untruthful, or shady. 

So I have my list of what I look for. What my partner in crime needs to be. Sometimes in the past I have thought it was a situation of having one or the other. You can have sweet, caring and emotionally supportive or you can have a sense of humor, sarcasm, and intelligence. 

If that's the case, I'll just stick to my slew of friends and call it even. But I don't think it is. I think the best of both worlds exists. 

I also have learned I don't have the energy to deal with people who won't make a valiant effort to be an active participant in a relationship. "Let sleeping dogs lie" is a piece of advice I received and he couldn't be more accurate. 

Why should I have to hope, pray, and beg someone to put forth effort? I shouldn't ... And won't actually. 

So it goes. I'm 32. Been Married. Divorced. Have had some insane relationships that would be great conversation pieces but yet I wouldn't change a bit. Every person who has entered my life....Good, bad, or indifferent has left their mark either by adding to or taking away ...and I am who I am today because of it. 

What I've also learned is there's a double standard for age in relationships. It is not unheard of for a 25 year old female to date a 35 year old male. However for roles to be reversed it's taboo. Or maybe it's just taboo in my mind. 

But why should it be? I say it's maturity. That I should not date younger because they are not mature. But on the same note I've dated someone who was almost double my age and he had no more maturity than most high schoolers. 

I think I may have been very wrong and unfair in my complete dismissal of certain guys based on age alone. I have learned...maybe...that age sometimes is a number and that I shouldn't discredit them on that alone.

Standards should be high. Settling should not be an option. Know what you want and continue searching until you find it. 

Hit the REWIND button!!

There are definitely times in life where I have said or done something that has been an "oh crap" moment. In that minute of time there has been the thought...it sure would be nice if there was a rewind button in life to erase that from existence. But even if it were that simple would I want to? 

While I was driving today the song "Breathe" came on and I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed by thoughts of a current situation. 

A few days ago I had said some things. Some serious, some sarcastic, and some just out of a playfully silly mood. Every bit was spoken truth but my fear at this present date is that it was not received as I intended by said person. So after hearing this song I contemplated what would or would not have transpired if I had never uttered a word. REWIND BUTTON STAT!!

But no. I am a no nonsense person for the most part. I say what I mean. I do what I say. Maybe it's unrealistic to expect that from everyone else. 

I HATE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES!

Now don't read what I am not writing. I don't necessarily enjoy confrontation but it's necessary. In my job it goes without saying that I confront people on a daily basis. It is what it is. Now what about my personal life?

Here's my theory. 

If you are in my life in any aspect...family, friends, significant other...you are important to me. With that said I feel that there should be an open line of communication. I should be up front and honest. You should be up front and honest. If you have done something that isn't kosher or I disagree with I feel I should discuss that with you. The reverse is also true. 

Call me out on issues. If you're mad. Make it known. Hash it out. 

Don't go silent. 

So no. I would not wish there was a life rewind button. Change does not take place by being stagnant. 

Talk...think...ask questions...understand...move forward never backward. 

Rose colored glasses

Winding roads and miles between destinations are always prime time for my mind to work in overdrive. Today, that thought that overtook my mind was how do you know when you actually know someone. It's been four months since I've dated anyone. That last "relationship" was formed on the basis of lies. He was married for goodness sake! No I didn't know this upon beginning a relationship, but ended up having one of those situations where so many things didn't add up and then it becomes evident that there is something else going on. 

I have been told that I have a tendency to look at people through rose colored glasses. Especially true when it comes to guys I may like. I don't see this. I actually have been psychoanalyzed and my therapist says that he feels I don't trust enough. Shrink says I don't trust enough. Family says I trust too much.

I think that I am pretty much balanced.

After my failed marriage... due to ...a few...extra-marrital affairs, I thought geez....I won't ever trust again. 

I did. Thank God! But I do see where I go into situations with an open mind and heart, but all too often I am let down. 

People can be good for a while....Is where I am. It is easy to be that person you feel others want you to be for a while. At least this is what I feel that the majority of guys do. Lets trick the girl until she falls in love with us and then let our true colors show. 

Do they think that we will at that point say...ah man...I'm too invested now. Lets just stay the course and hope for the best. Um..No. Not happening. Well at least for this girl it's not happening. 

I have a different approach to the initial stages of dating. I would rather lay out every possible negative thing about me. Every non negotiable. Every worrisome quirk in the beginning so that the guy can tuck tail and run before any time is wasted. If they stay despite all of that... awesome. If not. I've wasted minimal time. 

So all of that is to say, I have been seeing someone who I feel to be a great guy. Very different from the normal "type" of guy that I generally date, but a good different I think. 

Dating with a child changes the course of the game drastically. You can't introduce your child right off the bat because what if it doesn't work out. But yet, you can't wait an extended amount of time because you want to see how your significant other and child mesh. So when is the right time? 

"When you know they are not a P.O.S." is the answer that I have liked the most when asked. But if I have been told that I look at guys with rose colored glasses, how will I ever know this? Will I every truely know? Does anyone ever truely know? And why do I always try to overanalyze situations instead of just going with it? 

Today I felt that said guy was upset or off. Distant is the word that I used. Why? I don't really have a valid reason. Just a feeling. OVERANALYZING. Maybe. It's to be determined in my mind. I have to find a balance with these things. To take him at face value. When he said that nothing was wrong, I have to take him at that. Right? Yes, I think so. But I also have to be mindful / observant at the same time. 

So with all of that said. When do you know someone? There are so very few people who know me. Really know me. The good, bad and ugly. Many people know different facets of myself, but it's rare for someone to know me in my entirety. With that said, how unfair is it that I expect to know others to that level? 

It's something to think about though. How well do you allow others to know you? How well do you know others? And if it is pertinent for your to know others on that level, don't you owe it to both yourself and others in your life to know you at that level as well?