Trust the Journey.....Part 2 of 2

So what is the old adage. Don't look for love and let it come to you? Something along those lines anyway. 

I usually am very good about not looking for a relationship or even casually dating right out of the gate from a failed relationship. I like those moments between to regroup and focus. 

But what happens when a possibility literally opens your door refuses to leave and...hits you in the heart like a ton of bricks????

Let me back up a minute. Let me explain a little bit first. 

I am weird. Yes...yes...most never admit it, but I have no hangups about that. 

I have come a long way from who I was growing up. The good and the bad have all made me who I am today and I wouldn't change a minute of it. I happen to like who I am today. But because small town drama seems to always follow and the strides that I had taken to rid myself of any of that lingering in my life, I made a conscious effort never to even see those who I grew up with as potential "suitors". 

Until I did. 

So there was this guy. 

We went to school together. Middle school and part of high school....apparently elementary school as well but I have a mental block. It's not like we were "besties". I would have considered that we were class friends at one point. We never spent any significant time together...but being the loner I was I really didn't spend significant time with anyone so....

Anyway, so as far as school age crushes go, I had a fairly long standing one on him. I can't really explain the whys....could say it was the personality, the humor, the wit, the intellect that was masked more times than not and presented in a very vocal bantering way. Could have been the distinct voice that I heard in my head years later or the dimples that made the smile contagious. Could have been the simple fact that he was not like the majority of people and that clearly is my type. 

We lost touch. It's a funny thing actually. I don't think anyone at that age thinks,.... I'll never see this person again. We seem to take for granted that time will stand still and everything will go on as it is in that moment. 

What is a crush anyway?? 

As I sit here writing this I can't help but wonder what the technical definition is....Ole Webster says it is a strong but short lived liking for a person. 

So then if it's short lived....would it also be a crush if as time went on the two other times that I randomly ran into him in town that it was the same emotions all over again? 

Maybe...each time would have been short lived anyway due to timing and circumstance. It was never tested to push past a short time frame. 

Until now....

Until an opportunity for us to reconnect as friends presented itself and a simple dialogue of the past was initiated to learn that it wasn't a one-sided crush. 

So what do you do with that?

Though there has been no downtime from last relationship....though it was very clear that there is such a freakin strong potential for awesomeness here...do you chalk it up to bad timing once again and wait five more years to see...do you bite the bullet and jump taking a leap of faith? Do you say maybe this is the culmination of all learning experiences to make you swallow your pride and throw out stupid concerted efforts not to mingle with those in the past and see where this goes?

I try to analyze everything...to a fault no doubt.

So running around in my head had been...someone will come when you least expect it...quit looking online....why don't you date those you know...

I also have been told a time or two that I don't let myself just throw caution to the wind and let myself feel for fear of being hurt. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

So....that's exactly what I have decided to do....or maybe it was predecided for me because there are many times during the day that I'm positive something else or someone else is guiding this. 

What I know is that it's about time that I let all the walls fall. That if I'm truly going to give this a shot that I should be vulnerable. It'll either work or it won't. But if anything was going to work, wouldn't a crush 18 years ago that can still have the strength to flood back the same now that it was then...have the ability to be the one that works?

It's worth finding out. Worth feeling. Worth putting every bit into. 

I'll store the walls in a closet. I'll let my heart guide a bit more than my analytical head while still trying to walk slowly...and I'll keep my supports close in the event that my heart turns out to be nothing but a backstabber ;) 

Trust the Journey....Part 1 of 2.

For someone who tries to see every experience as a learning experience leading to self improvement, I believe that all in all I am given my fair share of them.

Sometimes I am curious as to if situations just land in my lap or I seek them out or I have a huge naive sign tattooed in flesh tone ink on my forehead.

I remember a time in my life, namely after my divorce that I realized that the entire way that I go about situations is screwed up for the most part. Right vs wrong, justified vs happy, etc.

Some people are just born suckers maybe. The ones who have a predisposition to save the world. But what about when we need saved.

I was in a difficult place in life about a year ago. Had been burned one too many times by relationships. Each time constructing the walls around my heart with different material. Stronger material. I believe that I posted something some time ago regarding the vast double standard for guys and girls where dating is concerned.

So I was done with the traditional dating. It would be light hearted. I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't allow myself to be put in the position of being hurt. It would be easier that way.

In many instances I was on a downward spiral. Well....my version of a downward spiral anyway which still is very minimal.

So I met someone in this journey. Online....yeah yeah....sometimes I wish I would have followed my mothers advice and left the whole online culture of dating alone. This said person was a good guy. In the traditional good guy sense. He had his stuff together. He was a great dad, protective of his kids. There were some similar interests. We got along. Never an argument in seven months.....let that sink in. Never an argument in seven months.

In many areas, I saw this person as a normalizing factor in my life. Right person at the right time. As time went on I grew to love this person. I could see what my future would be.

After months of joking of being his secret mistress....the jokes took a turn to reality. Now I was never the mistress in the legit sense; however, there were many red flags that made it easy to go there in my mind.

Ultimately things didn't work out. Now I didn't fault him. I had no hard feelings toward him. We simply were not on the same page with life, love, and relationships.

I have a dear friend who makes it his personal mission to get inside my head and move the chess pieces around to see how I react. Playing devils advocate if you will. I believe for the most part he is sincere in his reasons for doing so and that he tries to have me be real with my thoughts and feelings on any issue.

He always viewed this relationship as that I was in love with the ideal of the relationship. In love with the ideal of love. That he felt that I needed someone safe at the time to help balance what was going on in my head.

He may have been right on many levels of this. Did I love him? Yes....but I am positive that I didn't like I should have. Not like he did. Not like what would have been needed to make a relationship work.

Remember the no argument in seven months. Shoot I have arguments with my family more often than this. With my friends and coworkers. With my clients. With my child who I love more than anyone on this earth. Who doesn't have an argument? I have thought of this for some time. Maybe by the simple fact that part of me wasn't invested enough to rock the boat on any issue speaks louder than I'm willing to admit.

Everything is a learning experience right? Each relationship should be used as a stepping stone for the next. You should take the lessons learned and apply to future relationships.

So what did I learn?

I learned that I do have the ability to make things work. That I do close myself off a little too much to save myself from being hurt. That I compartmentalize aspects of life and love to a bit of an unhealthy degree. That I can't be the person who has one good part of someone but not the rest.

I wrote a blog a while back about the desire to have someone with a good heart, who is a good man, who is protective and loving and sincere....but also someone who is passionate and strong and swoonworthy.

I was able to see myself setting things aside. Saying aloud to myself....well but I can make this work. It'll be ok. So I don't have my proverbial check list marked off, but it'll be ok.

NOOOOO....it is never ok.

Now don't get me wrong.....perfection is not what I'm after. Actually truth be known I like a little imperfection. But I don't have to pick and choose. I can have both. I have learned from that relationship that I demand both actually.  I shouldn't just settle for comfort and stability and never have the passion and lust that makes relationships more than predated arranged marriages.

I also realized that I am doing myself no favor by being emotionally closed off. It didn't hurt....in the least....to be finished with the relationship. It was actually a breath of fresh air to think eh maybe we can be friends. Friendship we did well. I hurt because I knew he did, but not because I was sad that it had ended.

So did I waste seven months on a relationship that was going nowhere? Not really. The lessons learned were insurmountable and ultimately, though a little scattered and torn, I am a better person today because of it.

Some people get so bogged down by breakups and it rocks their world to a very unhealthy degree. Don't let it be like that. Change the course, change your approach, change your focus and let it be what it is.

Life is short. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Know what is important and go from there.

......to be continued

Misery Loves Company....and lots of it!

There are times in life where one has to take a step back. Times in life where it seems that life has become stagnant...that there is no change, no progress, no positive movement at all taking place. During these times we have to remove our selves from the active and look at our lives from the outside.

I truly believe that everyone enters our lives for a reason. There is a purpose that each person serves in our lives. Whether that purpose is positive, negative, short term or long term...it makes us who we become and we have the opportunity to use each situation as a time for growth and change.

I recently have discovered that more days than not I am left shaking my head at situations. Now don't get me wrong... I have allowed myself to be in situations that are unhealthy at times. A huge weakness of mine is not wishing to have conflict, not wishing to hurt anyones feelings, not wishing to force change. Sometimes I think that in life it becomes easy to just be and let others guide the path that we take; however, this is never the best course.

I believe that everyone has a thought of where they want their life to be and if this thought stays in the forefront of each and every decision made, some crucial moments in life have to take place.

A few situations happened in the past several weeks that made me realize that my life was not exactly where I wanted it to be. That there were people in my life that was dragging me down, or were taking much more from me than I was willing to give emotionally. That there were negative influences, that there was temptations that I would rather not be in the company of. 

Now to be fair, not one of the persons in my life that I felt needed to be removed were bad people. Truth be known, the majority of them I considered to be fairly close friends.

Talking to several people in the line of work that I do, I have heard more than once, twice, three times that in order for drug addicts to remain sober, they had to completely remove themselves from the peers that they had and surround themselves with  a completely new group of peers. Not that they hated those, not that they did anything wrong....simply because for them to succeed, they needed to move on and not associate with the past.

Misery loves company! I actually have thought a lot about this and I think there are some people in life that are truly THAT miserable that they wish for others to surround them that share in that misery. Let me tell you, it is draining! Seriously...in these situations, and I have been in a few, my entire demeanor changes. From happy to frustrated. From being optimistic to being very doom and gloom. No one needs that in their life.  However, with that said, I think that there are some that don't even realize they are doing that...at all.

I think that there are some people that are so engulfed with their life that they can't see past their own nose. Can't see when and how they are screwing up others lives. That they are so unhappy with their own (whether their life is good or not is irrelevant), that they find different people to "use" to fulfill that aspect of unhappiness. This seems to be the "misery loves company" aspect that I too often have fallen into the company of.

So anyway, this was the fork in the road that I was at. Not everyone from my past/ present was altered, but I seriously took a look at everyone that was close to me. From the best of friends, to fair weathered friends, male and female and I evaluated each relationship. If there was any part of the friendship, regardless of how close the friendship was, that was negative, that was off balanced, that was emotionally draining, that was not conducive for where I needed to be and where I was going, I had to cut ties with.

Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it is. However, I have never felt that my life in the form of a puzzle fit together as well as it does in this present moment in every aspect of life.

So maybe it was selfish and uncalled for and confusing for a life "friend" cleansing...but in the name of self improvement, success, and clarity...I'm good with being a bit selfish in that instance.

Change is necessary at times. Embrace it. Be selfish. You don't have to explain your motive or rationale. Besides those "misery loves company" people in your life won't understand it anyway.  :)

Necktie Party....aka....a little thing called doom sentencing

As of today, there has been 26 individuals executed in 2014 in the United States. That's more than 3 per month. That's insane. It's hard to grasp I believe. 

Though my job puts me in the court rooms, jail, and in the lives of convicted felons, it seems difficult to comprehend this amount of death row inmates. 

It's interesting to think about the differences. What justifies one person to have life in prison with no chance or parole and another to be awaiting a death sentence. And really if one is to be imprisoned for "life", is that not ultimately a death sentence in and of itself?

I used to think for days on end after watching Shawshank Redemption of death row and prison and the poor little man who hung himself because he was completely lost after being in jail for so long and going back into society. I used to play the what if game. What if....someone hurt my family....and I killed them....I would ultimately go to prison. The crime would be moralistically understandable, but legally wrong. It would still be murder regardless of how it was looked at. So I would think what would I rather...life in prison...or execution. Fear, regret, loss, while awaiting execution...the walk up to the room, being prepared, and ultimately dying....or to be in prison until my body decided it was time to be done. Lets say normal life expectancy is to 80. I commit the crime at 32 ...that's 50 years to be in prison....50 years! Sometimes I think that execution is, in a way , the easy way out.

Money speaks I supposed. It is drastically cheaper to off someones life than let them stay locked up in prison their entire life, but is this ideal? 

Ok, Ok...I hear the gallery stirring. I already hear counter arguments and wheels turning. On one side an argument is that they deserve nothing less than what they did to be on death row in the first place. So if they murdered their six year old son, if they raped and killed a random chick at a bar, if they stabbed a group of men at random for the fun of it, they don't deserve to live. On the flip side of this is why should it be so easy for them? Why should they have the "easy" way out? Why not make them relive that over and over again?

For that to happen, a little thing called remorse would have to take place. I suppose that's why appeals are set up so that if sincere change takes place, there is the opportunity to overturn a death penalty sentence and change to life in prison, or some sort of rehabilitation program. 

Side note here....I do think that jails and prisons are a disservice for the most part. Felons go in, they serve their time, and they are out. THEY ARE FELONS FOR A REASON. 

Today in court I heard a plea from an attorney to overturn a decision because her client really needed assistance. Mental health assistance to turn from the way of life she was living. I get this. I think there should be mandatory rehabilitation programs for inmates. It may sound like we are helping those who don't deserve it, but if a bit more money could go into programs on the front in, maybe the rate of recidivism would drastically decrease, hence...less crimes.

Anyway that's a huge tangent. As I was looking into executions (which may I say none of the executions this year have been from Tennessee), I found an application to be a witness to an execution. Now I understand that families of both the inmate, and of the victim would generally wish to be present for closure...but just randoms...to watch someone die? That seems a bit morbid, no?

Bucket list....go to Ireland....go skydiving....play the drums...watch an execution....really???? Maybe it's just me, but does that not go against everything kosher there is? Why would anyone WANT to do that? 

I do believe we live in a violent culture. Not necessarily more so than the past. It is more in public's eyes now, and I think to a certain extent there is a glamorization of violence that hasn't necessarily been there before. How does executions help de-glamorize violence? Oh...you killed someone...that's wrong...lets kill you... hmm. 

Ok, so lets black and white it. Here's my stance on it. I'm on the fence. Surprise surprise. I understand the arguments for and against both execution and life in prison. I would be completely against executions if there was not a jury to convict, and an appeal process, and a chance to flip that decision with time. I understand the cause and effect. The quid pro quo, however, I'm not sure I would want to give up the opportunity to make the perpetrator uncomfortable every time I could. To make them wonder if they ever did make it out of prison would they have to look over their shoulder constantly. 

Executions are closure though, no doubt, and people who have that much forgiveness to make grand statements that though someone may have killed someone close to them, that they don't want the same to happen to them have my utmost respect and they will have a mansion one day as I happily sweep out my shack, because I'm positive I don't have that level of forgiveness. 

P.S. Just as a reminder...I do not wish to be invited to anyone's necktie party.

"Wait a second, why should you care..."

Admittedly I have been at a loss for what to blog about this week. It's a strange feeling. The feeling where so many thoughts and emotions...so many ideas being processed and events happening but yet none of which can be wrangled enough to put into words. 

This week I asked a friend for advice of what to write about. Next time I ask for a blog topic it will not be directly after I have vented about situations that have happened through the week. 

But yet it is still humorous at how things transpired. 

Each week I look up the free song on iTunes. I rarely ever download it; however, I am a huge Colbie Callat fan and it was a single by her titled "Try". I downloaded it and fell in love with the song. 

I have never been a conformist. I am who I am and have never really cared what other people think. I tend to like oddities, eccentricities,  those who also march to a different beat than the masses. 

So anyway. This song is about a girl who spends her entirety trying to please other people. Changing herself to be accepted by societal norms until she realizes who she is when the door is closed and when the pressures of what others thinks she should be have been removed she realized that she likes who she is without having to be who others want her to be. 

I think the overarching message is to be comfortable in your own skin. 

When this is mentioned the majority of people just assume it's something that fat people say just to excuse their weight. I know a ton of thin and built people who still aren't comfortable with who they are. 

So anyway...said friend suggested I write about this in a personal aspect. 

I at this point in my life am good with who I am. Are there areas that I see that could improve ...speaking of physicality....absolutely. But I could also curb my temper and sarcasm at times. 

I believe there are things about everyone if given the opportunity they would wave a magic wand and change slightly. This to me is different than a hatred for ones self. A feeling of unworthiness of unattractiveness and an all consuming need to change yet never be happy. 

It's as simple as preference. It is unrealistic to think everyone is going to be attracted to a single person or type. I for sure am not. Not that those who I am not attracted to are ugly....just not my preference. So why in the world would I think that I am everyone's cup of tea? Heck some people despise tea and that's kosher. 

Every one has incredibly attractive features. Know what they are. Own them. 100% of you may not be hot but some traits are. And by the way... personalities are also attractive.

Listen to the song...

Here are some lyrics to leave you with:

"Wait a second, why should you care what they think of you, when you're all alone by yourself do you like you?..." 

Be comfortable in your own skin. Like who you are. Don't try to be someone you aren't. Don't change yourself for someone's approval. 

Don't wait for someone else to tell you that you are amazing....tell yourself that! 

The culture of online dating. . .

Those who really know me, know that online dating is not a foreign concept in my life. Never has been. Being someone who is not a social butterfly and would rather watch a group of people than take part in anything that they are doing, it seemed only to make sense that I would go to the 'net to meet people.

I remember the first day that I created an online account....with ICQ....(yes I'm old). My parents were out on a date on the General Jackson and I had the night by myself. Keep in mind this was deviant. Before that the only deviant thing that I had done was read a harlequin novel in my closet so no one knew....(unfortunately I cannot erase that from existence). Anyway, so this quickly became the medium that I used to meet guys to go on dates with. I remember the words of caution that my mother gave me about how you can be whoever you want to be online, they could be posing as other persons, etc, but I ...for the most part...had pretty positive experiences. I met some pretty great people, two of which are still good friends.

Something happened along the way, between the days of ICQ and Yahoo to today with a blue million different sites. Lets see if I can name the majority. We've got the normal social media of myspace and facebook, match.com, zoosk, POF, skout, and a slew of others.

Online dating has killed the dating scene altogether. Gone are the days of gradually getting to know someone, of courting someone, of enjoying the simplicities. It has become this fast paced rush to the end.

Speed dating on crack is what it has become.

There are several cons to it. Cons meaning negative things...not that people are cons...which they are!

Ok, so down to the nitty gritty. First there is this whole concept of playing up the positives. I have no qualms about letting people know my downfalls. They should right? They should know the good, but they should also know the bad. Online dating has a sense of building up the positives and skipping over anything negative to the point of more times than not embellishing the truth.

There is also the idea of settling. Before the accessibility of online dating, multiple people literally at your fingertip, relationships lasted longer. People appreciated what they had. Appreciated the work put into them to make them great. Appreciated how they bounced back from an argument. Found ways to compromise without feeling as if they were settling. Now it seems the first time that someone disagrees with another, it's on to the next person. And really it's even more juvenile than that. Oh, you didn't text within x amount of time... ciao.

On the same thought, there is the notion that the grass is greener on the other side. Guys get their egos stroked. To be fair, I'm sure it's the same for girls as well, but since the male gender is who I pursue, I can only comment to what I know. So a guy sees a chicks pics on a dating site, may or may not read her profile, sends her a message....she responds....and agrees to a date. Lets say this girl is a 6 on a scale of 1-10 on the hotness factor. Wow...thinks said guy...that was easy. She just said yes, no coaxing, no emotional filler. Lets see if I can get an 8 on the scale since this one was quick to agree. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle of people never being happy with who they have.

It becomes easy to be unfaithful. There is a lull in a relationship and instead of taking it as it is, or communicating...so many people are quick to just give up, or start messaging other people to fill that lull.

Ok, so there are also positives. Clearly, I wouldn't still dabble with the online dating scene if it was all negative.

But I am also a closet optimist, so who knows.

What are the good points to it? For those of us who have full time jobs, kids, etc etc etc, it is a great medium to actually strike up conversations with people. For those who live around here. If the bar scene isn't your thing, there really isn't anything else. So it introduces us to others, there is the opportunity to communicate prior to meeting up in person. The benefit to this is one, that you can weed out people who you don't think you have anything in common with prior to meeting and saving that awkward...yeah this isn't going to happen again conversation face to face ;), and two you already know a bit about that person to have things to talk about immediately instead of finding a commonality. 

Also it gives the opportunity to dial up a person to an extent. Filter for specifics to make the search easier. Now there are the people who just see a pretty face and message anyway. Generally these are easy to spot like when they say "It looks like we have a lot in common from reading your about you section"...and I want to say um which part a single mom or don't send risque pics (while they're posing half naked with their pants undone)??

Anyway....I convinced a friend to join a dating site. I do have to say....my encounters are so very tame in comparison. Don't get me wrong. I have some stories. Would gladly share some of them if you need a mid-day laugh. But I've learned through her that I don't do b.s. It's a waste of time and energy. Though, yes it's fun to call someone out on being a douche, sometimes, it's just not worth it. I think there is a huge population that become jaded quick with the online dating scene. That all guys ...or girls online are fake, are not worth the effort, are there just for random hookups, etc.

The reality is...people are people. They choose what their life is. Not all people that are online looking to find someone (in whatever capacity they are looking for) are bad, just as not all people that choose to find potential dates offline are bad. Cherish the good. If and when you find someone you click with and enjoy spending time with... take it for what it is. The good with the not so good. And by all means....quit being quick on the drawl of looking for someone else. Give it a fair shake, stay off the dating sites...until (if) it does not work out. Don't be skouting the next best thing as a back up plan. Back up plans are just your conscious saying you're not into what you have currently. If you aren't don't pretend just to have someone around.

That's my randomness for the day. 

Happy hunting!

What would you do with $1,000,000

As I was standing in line today waiting to pay for my gas, I noticed an older man turning in two scratch off tickets. The total winning came to $25.00. That's a decent amount of cash. That would have been over half a tank of gas on this specific occasion. Instead of taking the winnings and leaving, he used the entire amount on more scratch off tickets. I could have used that cash I thought, and here he is leaving it to chance.

I left the gas station and began pumping the $40.00 that I just purchased in gas, I was still thinking about this situation. Thinking, people can never really be happy can they? He just won cash. Not a dollar or two, but twenty-five. I wonder if he won $100 if he would still choose to buy more tickets to see if he could multiply his earnings. At what point would it stop. At what point would he have said, I'll take the money and run? And why is lottery chance? Why isn't it merit or good will based?

As I closed the car door and drove away, I started thinking...what would I do with a million dollars? You hear all kinds of horror stories about individuals who win some fat cash and their lives go to crap afterwards. I've heard the stories about how they blow it all and then are in worse shape than they started financially because they have created this lifestyle that they cannot maintain when they expend the initial money. 

So on my drive through Cumberland County, I created a plan of what exactly I would do with the money. For giggles, I'll share it...with the world! 

For my created plan and for the purpose of this blog, I am indicating that one million is what I have in hand and the taxes have already been paid. 

First off, I would put $100,000 in savings / roth ira accounts so I can actually retire one day. I would pay off my home and my vehicle and student loans. My current home, while I love it because it is home is not my "dream home", So I would use that home as a homeless rehabilitation home free of rent for homeless families to get on their feet and build my modest dream home. I project that this would be roughly $450,000. I would give $10,000 to my siblings and $20,000 to my parents, and $5,000 to nieces and nephews. I would use 10,000 to lavishly blow at my leisure. I would put  $80,000 into a college fund for Noah and $30,000 into a savings account for him as well. I would take $100,000 and use it for tithing. I would then split the remainder. I would take $30,000 and be a random giving fairy and give money to those who I chose (whether I know them or not). $35,000 would go to cancer research. The reminding $65,000 would go into checking to use for living expenses, vacations, etc while still maintaining my normal job.

So while I still think it's crazy for someone to give up the cash in hand for a chance at more, and though I know there will never be a day the lotto gods shine down on me, it's fun to play around with what if's and it sure made my drive seem a whole lot quicker.

Now that you know how I would breakdown a million dollar winning, what would you do with that kind of cash??   Make it count!