Trust the Journey.....Part 2 of 2

So what is the old adage. Don't look for love and let it come to you? Something along those lines anyway. 

I usually am very good about not looking for a relationship or even casually dating right out of the gate from a failed relationship. I like those moments between to regroup and focus. 

But what happens when a possibility literally opens your door refuses to leave and...hits you in the heart like a ton of bricks????

Let me back up a minute. Let me explain a little bit first. 

I am weird. Yes...yes...most never admit it, but I have no hangups about that. 

I have come a long way from who I was growing up. The good and the bad have all made me who I am today and I wouldn't change a minute of it. I happen to like who I am today. But because small town drama seems to always follow and the strides that I had taken to rid myself of any of that lingering in my life, I made a conscious effort never to even see those who I grew up with as potential "suitors". 

Until I did. 

So there was this guy. 

We went to school together. Middle school and part of high school....apparently elementary school as well but I have a mental block. It's not like we were "besties". I would have considered that we were class friends at one point. We never spent any significant time together...but being the loner I was I really didn't spend significant time with anyone so....

Anyway, so as far as school age crushes go, I had a fairly long standing one on him. I can't really explain the whys....could say it was the personality, the humor, the wit, the intellect that was masked more times than not and presented in a very vocal bantering way. Could have been the distinct voice that I heard in my head years later or the dimples that made the smile contagious. Could have been the simple fact that he was not like the majority of people and that clearly is my type. 

We lost touch. It's a funny thing actually. I don't think anyone at that age thinks,.... I'll never see this person again. We seem to take for granted that time will stand still and everything will go on as it is in that moment. 

What is a crush anyway?? 

As I sit here writing this I can't help but wonder what the technical definition is....Ole Webster says it is a strong but short lived liking for a person. 

So then if it's short lived....would it also be a crush if as time went on the two other times that I randomly ran into him in town that it was the same emotions all over again? 

Maybe...each time would have been short lived anyway due to timing and circumstance. It was never tested to push past a short time frame. 

Until now....

Until an opportunity for us to reconnect as friends presented itself and a simple dialogue of the past was initiated to learn that it wasn't a one-sided crush. 

So what do you do with that?

Though there has been no downtime from last relationship....though it was very clear that there is such a freakin strong potential for awesomeness here...do you chalk it up to bad timing once again and wait five more years to see...do you bite the bullet and jump taking a leap of faith? Do you say maybe this is the culmination of all learning experiences to make you swallow your pride and throw out stupid concerted efforts not to mingle with those in the past and see where this goes?

I try to analyze everything...to a fault no doubt.

So running around in my head had been...someone will come when you least expect it...quit looking online....why don't you date those you know...

I also have been told a time or two that I don't let myself just throw caution to the wind and let myself feel for fear of being hurt. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

So....that's exactly what I have decided to do....or maybe it was predecided for me because there are many times during the day that I'm positive something else or someone else is guiding this. 

What I know is that it's about time that I let all the walls fall. That if I'm truly going to give this a shot that I should be vulnerable. It'll either work or it won't. But if anything was going to work, wouldn't a crush 18 years ago that can still have the strength to flood back the same now that it was then...have the ability to be the one that works?

It's worth finding out. Worth feeling. Worth putting every bit into. 

I'll store the walls in a closet. I'll let my heart guide a bit more than my analytical head while still trying to walk slowly...and I'll keep my supports close in the event that my heart turns out to be nothing but a backstabber ;) 

Trust the Journey....Part 1 of 2.

For someone who tries to see every experience as a learning experience leading to self improvement, I believe that all in all I am given my fair share of them.

Sometimes I am curious as to if situations just land in my lap or I seek them out or I have a huge naive sign tattooed in flesh tone ink on my forehead.

I remember a time in my life, namely after my divorce that I realized that the entire way that I go about situations is screwed up for the most part. Right vs wrong, justified vs happy, etc.

Some people are just born suckers maybe. The ones who have a predisposition to save the world. But what about when we need saved.

I was in a difficult place in life about a year ago. Had been burned one too many times by relationships. Each time constructing the walls around my heart with different material. Stronger material. I believe that I posted something some time ago regarding the vast double standard for guys and girls where dating is concerned.

So I was done with the traditional dating. It would be light hearted. I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't allow myself to be put in the position of being hurt. It would be easier that way.

In many instances I was on a downward spiral. Well....my version of a downward spiral anyway which still is very minimal.

So I met someone in this journey. Online....yeah yeah....sometimes I wish I would have followed my mothers advice and left the whole online culture of dating alone. This said person was a good guy. In the traditional good guy sense. He had his stuff together. He was a great dad, protective of his kids. There were some similar interests. We got along. Never an argument in seven months.....let that sink in. Never an argument in seven months.

In many areas, I saw this person as a normalizing factor in my life. Right person at the right time. As time went on I grew to love this person. I could see what my future would be.

After months of joking of being his secret mistress....the jokes took a turn to reality. Now I was never the mistress in the legit sense; however, there were many red flags that made it easy to go there in my mind.

Ultimately things didn't work out. Now I didn't fault him. I had no hard feelings toward him. We simply were not on the same page with life, love, and relationships.

I have a dear friend who makes it his personal mission to get inside my head and move the chess pieces around to see how I react. Playing devils advocate if you will. I believe for the most part he is sincere in his reasons for doing so and that he tries to have me be real with my thoughts and feelings on any issue.

He always viewed this relationship as that I was in love with the ideal of the relationship. In love with the ideal of love. That he felt that I needed someone safe at the time to help balance what was going on in my head.

He may have been right on many levels of this. Did I love him? Yes....but I am positive that I didn't like I should have. Not like he did. Not like what would have been needed to make a relationship work.

Remember the no argument in seven months. Shoot I have arguments with my family more often than this. With my friends and coworkers. With my clients. With my child who I love more than anyone on this earth. Who doesn't have an argument? I have thought of this for some time. Maybe by the simple fact that part of me wasn't invested enough to rock the boat on any issue speaks louder than I'm willing to admit.

Everything is a learning experience right? Each relationship should be used as a stepping stone for the next. You should take the lessons learned and apply to future relationships.

So what did I learn?

I learned that I do have the ability to make things work. That I do close myself off a little too much to save myself from being hurt. That I compartmentalize aspects of life and love to a bit of an unhealthy degree. That I can't be the person who has one good part of someone but not the rest.

I wrote a blog a while back about the desire to have someone with a good heart, who is a good man, who is protective and loving and sincere....but also someone who is passionate and strong and swoonworthy.

I was able to see myself setting things aside. Saying aloud to myself....well but I can make this work. It'll be ok. So I don't have my proverbial check list marked off, but it'll be ok.

NOOOOO....it is never ok.

Now don't get me wrong.....perfection is not what I'm after. Actually truth be known I like a little imperfection. But I don't have to pick and choose. I can have both. I have learned from that relationship that I demand both actually.  I shouldn't just settle for comfort and stability and never have the passion and lust that makes relationships more than predated arranged marriages.

I also realized that I am doing myself no favor by being emotionally closed off. It didn't hurt....in the least....to be finished with the relationship. It was actually a breath of fresh air to think eh maybe we can be friends. Friendship we did well. I hurt because I knew he did, but not because I was sad that it had ended.

So did I waste seven months on a relationship that was going nowhere? Not really. The lessons learned were insurmountable and ultimately, though a little scattered and torn, I am a better person today because of it.

Some people get so bogged down by breakups and it rocks their world to a very unhealthy degree. Don't let it be like that. Change the course, change your approach, change your focus and let it be what it is.

Life is short. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Know what is important and go from there.

......to be continued